The Spouse Relationship: Feelings and Funds

Marriage provides the one relationship in which men can express themselves freely and in which they can hope for warmth and emotional support. Women can also properly have close and unrestrained relations with spouses, but, unlike the situation for men, the marital relationship is by no means the only one where this is commonly true. Swahili unanimously report that love (upendo) is the most important single consideration in marriage. Even though first marriages were and mostly still are arranged by the parents of the couple, if love and the valued intimate mutually satisfying relationship does not develop, it is thought best for the couple to be divorced. Since one rather often hears Swahili men and women saying that "of the things God allows, He hates none more than divorce," this is a strong indication of love's importance.

Subsequent remarriages—being single is rare for men and only somewhat more common for women—are according to the wishes of the partners themselves, and if the love that ideally and usually led to the marriage should wane, again it is thought best to divorce. Love among the Swahili is very similar to Western love, with a romantic variety common among younger men and women and a calmer but more lasting type generally valued—and seemingly rather often present—for older couples.

The important fact for the present discussion is that the marital relationship is culturally constituted as one in which both partners are expected to be emotionally engaged and in which the male, as well as the female, is allowed to

give and receive support and intimacy. The husband is ideally expected to make his wife happy by giving her his attention when he is not occupied in other ways and by showing her kindness and regard. The wife ideally devotes herself to her husband and indulges him with well-prepared meals, lavish attention, and such luxuries as massages with sandalwood. Informants report that these ideals are generally met most fully in the first year or two of marriage but that they set desirable goals for both spouses throughout life. It is surely true that not all Swahili share all the understandings about love and marriage, but it is equally true that there is no other relationship that so many community members view in this way.

The emphasis on the values and beliefs concerning love and the fact that men are uniquely able to give and receive emotional support in the spouse relationship should not obscure the contribution that economic and social considerations make in determining the nature of that relationship. Husbands and wives retain their own property on marriage, and what one earns or inherits during the marriage remains under his or her direct control. However, the legalities of the marital relationship—and they are given here according to Islamic law as the Swahili view it—fail to account for the social unity of the married couple.

The wife's standing in the women's groups is importantly dependent on her husband's social and economic position. We have already seen the importance of the husband's material support for his wife in the form of finery and ceremonies, but it is also worth noting that any blemish on his reputation, any shame attached to him, will redound to his wife's discredit and will be used against her by her rivals. This is what was meant by women's "indirect concern" with honor.

The wife's standing among women does not directly affect her husband's standing in the community, but if she exposes herself to shame by improper behavior—especially by being suspected of association with other men—his reputation and standing will suffer. More than the parties to any other relationship in this society, spouses are a social unit rather than quite separate individuals. This commonality of interest does not make their relations close and emotionally warm; it imposes obvious stresses resulting from the close interdependence. However, since divorce is easy, marriages that work have partners who are brought together by these social and economic pressures and couples that cannot accept them usually part.