9. Marriage: Byaha.

With the "true" marriage we begin the remainder of the sequence of samskara s that are now once again common to males and females.

The complex marriage sequence for the middle and upper thars is a variation of traditional Indian marriage patterns with adjustments made for the mock-marriage. Those Brahmans who do not perform the mock-marriage do not make these adjustments. There has, however, been some shift in recent decades even among non-Brahmans away from the traditional Newar sequence—which was adjusted to the mock-marriage—toward more ordinary South Asian marriage ceremonies.

A complete description of Newar marriage would have to take into account not only first marriages (that is, for the Newars, first "true" marriage) but also secondary marriages. It is only possible here to outline some of the major features of these complex sequences of ceremonies. Many descriptive details for other Newar groups are given in P. H. Bajracharya (1959), Nepali (1965, 198-231), and Toffin (1984, 401-420).

After the preliminary informal decisions about a marriage have been made (chap. 6) the betrothal is formalized in the first ceremonial act of the marriage sequence by a gift of ten betel nuts, gwae(n) ,^[39] and secondary gifts that are presented by the prospective groom's father to the prospective bride's father in a visit to the bride's household. The phuki naki(n) , representing the prospective groom's phuki , accompanies the groom's father. She puts two decorations on the girl's forehead—one a mark of swaga(n) and below it a gold decoration, which often has an image of Narayana^[*] on it. Before these visits the prospective marriage could have been called off by either household without any impropriety, now the betrothal is considered formal and definite.

Sometime during the month prior to the wedding ceremony the prospective groom's family (but not the groom himself) will visit the betrothed girl's household to present gifts. In upper-level thars —and now also in many middle-level ones—this visit is formalized as the "lakha " visit, during which sweetcakes, lakhamari , and other presents are given. The members of the bride's household will eat some of the cakes; after the wedding they will return the remainder, supplemented by presents, to the groom's household. In some upper-level thars other traditional gifts are sent m the course of the month to the prospective bride's household.

In the four days preceding the wedding itself the prospective bride, echoing the visits of her long-ago Ihi marriage, visits the households of her phuki as well as of her mother's brothers, her pajus , where she is given ceremonial foods.

On the day before the wedding ceremony both the bride's and groom's households in middle-level and upper-level thars hold sraddha^[*] ceremonies (see death ceremonies, below) to the lineage ancestors, "notifying" the ancestors of the event. Upper-level thars also worship at their mandalic^[*]pitha .

For Newar Brahmans who do not have Ihi marriages, the core of the true

marriage is the kanya dana , the gift of the virgin girl. This must be done at the bride's home at the proper astrological sait . But among the other thars the kanya dana has already been given in the Ihi ceremony. For these thars the essential act of marriage union, which must be done at the auspicious sait , is a ceremony done at the groom's home, a ceremony called ho(n)kegu , "causing to be joined together." Among some families in recent years an additional South Asian marriage custom that did not exist among the Newars of Bhaktapur in previous decades has been adopted by some upper-status families and those Jyapu families who now emulate them. This is the swayambar (Sanskrit svayamvara^[*] ), in which—again at the proper astrological sait —the bride is ceremonially given to the groom at the bride's household in a first phase of the marriage on the evening of the day preceding the ho(n)kegu . The traditional absence of the swayambar ceremony among the Newars is sometimes speculatively explained as not being necessary because "the girl was already married," that is, she has already been given away by her natal household. Several of the ceremonial acts in the Ihi ceremony, in fact, are versions of acts that are done among Indo-Nepalese (and traditionally in South Asia) in the course of the swayambar .^[40]

In the traditional Newar sequence there is a ceremony at the prospective bride's household on the evening before the wedding. The groom's father and other representatives of his family, but not the prospective groom himself, attend the ceremony. The prospective bride presents sets of ten betel nuts, first to the family purohita , then to senior members of the household, and then to other assembled relatives and household members^[41] with the exception of her mother and father. After the bride has presented the betel nuts the household or phuki senior woman (other than her mother) decorates the bride and gives her offerings. Now her father presents her with a ceremonial mirror, a jyalanheka(n) , and she, in return, gives him a set of betel nuts. Her mother then gives her an ornate container for ceremonial pigment, a sinhamu , and the daughter, m return, gives ten betel nuts to her mother. The girl now takes pigment from the sinhamu and applies it to her own forehead. In some families at this point the groom's father places an anklet on each of the bride's legs. He must bend down and touch her feet to do it, reversing the usual action of respect of child to parent and, even more poignantly perhaps, bride to parent-in-law. Finally her mother's brother, the bride's paju , takes her on his back and carries her out of the house to the pikha lakhu of the house, its symbolic outer boundary, where he delivers her to the groom's representatives. In the past she was then taken—covered over and hidden from view—in a carrying sling carried by men from the Gatha thar .^[42] A procession is formed. Musicians come first, then the bride, next people carrying her dowry, and finally the representative of the groom's family. The bride is taken first to the neighborhood Ganesa^[*] shrine, and (if carried) carried three times around it. Her family members have followed. Now there is a formalized exchange between representatives of the two households, in which the representative of the groom's family is asked to promise to take care of the new bride. Her family now leaves her and returns to the household.

The groom's representatives and the bride now proceed to the groom's household. The bride is met at the house pikha lakhu by the phuki or household naki(n) and is ceremonially "taken in" (du kaegu ) to the house in a ceremony in

which evil forces and spirits are driven from the new bride.^[43] The bride has had her head and face covered with a shawl since she left her parents' home, and it is still covered. On entering the house the women of the household may look under the shawl to see her face^[44] and will talk with her informally.

The next step is the actual marriage ritual, the ho(n)kegu . At the proper sait the bride, holding ten betel nuts and a garland, circumambulates the groom and presents him first with the garland and then the betel nuts. The transfer of the betel nuts is the focal moment of marriage. The groom then presents traditional presents to the bride. She then gives a set of ten betel nuts to each of the ritually adult members of the groom's household and to his family purohita . She is introduced to each of these, and bows to their feet as she presents the nuts. Each family member puts small coins in a dish kept near the bride in exchange for her presentation to them. The bride bows to each member superior in status to her, but those of inferior status^[45] bow to her. All this is done under the directions of the purohita .^[46] Throughout the ho(n)kegu he directs the actions of others and makes some offerings to the bride and groom, but he does not conduct a puja or perform formal worship to deities himself.

Now the naki(n) places a Swaga(n) sinha(n) mark on the bride's forehead and gives her presents of clothes. The naki(n) then gives the bride and groom water for washing their hands and purifying their mouths. According to various reports, in Newar marriages in other Valley cities and towns the bride and groom now take food offerings from a common metal dish—a thae(n) bhu —signaling through the eating of each other's cipa , a nonhierarchical sharing of substance. In the upper-level thars in Bhaktapur (and among those other thars that emulate them), however, two thae(n) bhu are used, as it is said that because the bride is no longer a kanya and has menstruated it is not proper for her husband to eat from her dish.^[47] The food in the two dishes and the sequence of eating is ascribed complex symbolism, and is associated with offerings and worship to the sun and the collective deities. After these offerings have been made the groom eats half of a hard-boiled egg and gives the other half to the bride. He does the same thing with a portion of fish and of meat that he has tasted and (in most families) of alcoholic spirits that he has previously sipped. The groom puts food into the bride's hands, and sometimes (often in response to joking requests from the onlookers) puts food directly into her mouth. The active feeding has overtones of erotic play and female receptivity and intimacy, as well as indicating the bride's subordinate and dependent status signaled by her sharing in the groom's cipa , that is, in his substance (chap. 11). The ho(n)kegu concludes with other ceremonial actions. The focal and essential elements in the ho(n)kegu are the bride's giving of betel nuts to the groom and her eating of his cipa . These are found m the variations of the ceremony among various thars . Thus the Jyapu ceremonies, which may dispense with most of the features of the upper-status ho(n)kegu , keep these two elements.

Following the ho(n)kegu the groom and males of the phuki go to the mandalic^[*] pitha with an Acaju for worship to the Mandalic^[*] Goddess. In the evening there is a large feast in the groom's household and family and friends of the household come to "see the bride."

There are various activities which may follow in the days after the wedding.

In Brahman and some upper-status non-Brahman families the bride will be brought to the groom's Digu God shrine and presented to that lineage deity a few days after the wedding. In families at most status levels, however, the new bride will be brought to the Digu God shrine for the first time during the phuki 's collective worship to the Digu God during the next Dewali period.

Usually within four days after the wedding members of the bride's family come to "see their daughter's face" in a visit to the groom's house. They bring gifts, including clothes and, perhaps, money. In the presence of women from the groom's household who offer them sweets and other hospitality, the members of the bride's family present the gifts and decorations of swaga(n) to the bride. After this visit the bride's family may conduct her hack to her natal home, where other members of her own family and friends and neighbors visit. The bride's family may now send a representative to invite the groom to visit his new wife's natal home. The groom returns to the bride's house accompanied by a friend (rarely a phuki member). The bride's mother or the household naki(n) gives gifts of clothes and decorations of swaga(n) to the couple. The husband, the wife's household's new jica bhaju , is introduced to the assembled guests and household members, traditionally meeting the family for the first time. At each introduction to household members and other relatives the husband presents a gift of ten betel nuts, and they, in return, make an offering of money to the couple. There are other ceremonial offerings and exchanges, and then a feast, during which there may be some teasing of the couple, and some mild practical jokes may be played on the jica bhaju .^[48]

Now the husband, his accompanying friend, and the wife return to the husband's house, often led by someone (traditionally for the upper thars, a jyapu with a client relationship to the husband's household) carrying a very large and ornate oil lamp, a "marriage sukunda ."^[49]