CHOOSING A “SUITABLE BOY”
Social psychological views of finding a spouse, based predominantly on Western samples, have shown that the most central factor is proximity, which often comes about by chance (Hazan and Diamond 2000; Bandura 1982). We marry the people we encounter. Still, whether those looking for their own spouse are seeking the same qualities desired by those who select spouses for their children is a different issue. Arguments for cross-cultural variability in the qualities that make for a good mate, as well as arguments for cross-cultural universality, have been advanced. Below, I address these differing arguments in turn and then examine whether comparisons of arranged-marriage cultures and love-marriage cultures support universality or variability.
Different Cultures, Different Goals, Different Practices
It may seem obvious that different cultures will consider different criteria in mate selection, particularly when the cultures differ in marriage practices. Love-marriage selection criteria seem to reflect individuals' personal concerns, such as personal and interpersonal qualities of the prospective mate and compatibility issues, while arranged-marriage selection criteria, not surprisingly, reflect concerns of the total family unit (Blood 1972). These family concerns include socioeconomic status, health, strength, fertility, temperament, and emotional stability of the prospective spouse. This may be because arranged marriage practices are associated with residence patterns and are more likely in countries where a new couple lives in an extended family dwelling (Fox 1975; Lee and Stone 1980). All of the qualities important to the family not only contribute to collective well-being they may be particularly important when the new spouse moves in with the extended family.
One Species, Similar Criteria
Alternative perspectives suggest that mating practices may be more similar than different across cultures because of similarity in shared historical pasts or the pressures of evolution upon mating behavior (see, e.g., Hazan and Diamond 2000). In fact, some researchers argue that the formation of romantic pair bonds depends on attachment processes exapted[2] from the mother-infant relationship over the course of evolution (Hazan and Diamond 2000; Zeifman and Hazan 1997). Thus, people
Preferences
In a study of thirty-seven cultures, male and female college students reported the qualities of (1) dependability, (2) intelligence, (3) kindnessunderstanding, and (4) emotional stability as most important in a prospective mate (Buss et al. 1989). Mutual attraction and love were also considered quite important in all cultures sampled. Thus, data on preferences for hypothetical spouses showed few differences across cultures sampled, consistent with shared history or evolutionary arguments. However, in African, Asian, and Middle Eastern countries, where arranged marriage is still practiced, love was ranked somewhat lower than in Western industrialized nations. Similar findings about the importance of romantic love for establishing a marriage in the industrializing Eastern/Asian world were also demonstrated in another study of college students across eleven cultures (Levine et al. 1995). This study bears a closer look because it asked specifically about the role of love as a decision criterion. Respondents from Asian countries (particularly Pakistan, India, and Thailand) reported a willingness to marry a person they did not love, but who possessed all their desired qualities in a mate. They were also unwilling to consider divorce when love is not maintained, in contrast to Western and South American countries. Thus, Eastern/Asian respondents view love as somewhat less important at the beginning of a marriage and regard the absence of love as a less adequate criterion for divorce. One explanation for such findings could be that Eastern/ Asian respondents believe that love develops during the course of a marriage, a view that would be consistent with existing evidence (Gupta and Singh 1982). But, as Hazan and Diamond (2000) point out, selfreported preferences are an inadequate source of information regarding actual selection criteria. For actual selection criteria, looking at the procedures for arranging marriages or the characteristics of mates that have been selected is more revealing.
Choosing a Spouse in India
In Kerala, India, the criteria for marriage partners are multidimensional and include (1) religion/horoscope matching, (2) character, (3) education,
The result of these criteria is that arranged-marriage practices tend to pair spouses who are similar in terms of major background characteristics like class, economic status, and education. Arranged-marriage practices also take into consideration character and physical health, perhaps particularly so when the new couple will live with the entire family. On first glance, such criteria seem far removed from romantic love and mutual attraction. However, as discussed earlier, those from cultures where love marriage predominates also consider character when choosing marriage partners. The desirable character qualities such as kindness or a considerate nature tend to be similar across cultures. In addition, when probed, couples who do marry may give both romantic and pragmatic reasons for getting married, whether they enter into a love or an arranged marriage, as has been demonstrated in Turkey (Hortaçsu and Oral 1994). Further, as will become clearer below, the same factors considered important by families in selecting a spouse may be the factors that contribute to whether individuals fall in love and get married in cultures where individual choice predominates.
Love versus Demographics
Despite the prevalence of love as a self-reported reason for marrying, Americans tend to date and marry those who are similar to themselves across a wide range of qualities (see Berscheid and Reis 1998 for an extensive review). We fall in love with people who are like us in terms of socioeconomic status, education, and age (Houts, Robins, and Huston 1996; Waris 1997), as well as with people who are like us in terms of psychological qualities like personality characteristics, leisure interests, and the complexity with which we think about topics (Burleson, Kunkel, and Szolwinski 1997; Hahn and Blass 1997; Keller and Young
Proof for the idea that similarity functions to direct marriage choices, whether family or personally driven, would involve demonstrating that arranged marriages and love marriages lead to equivalent levels of similarity between spouses. In one study of more than seven hundred couples in Turkey, spouses in love marriages were as like one another as those in arranged marriages (Fox 1975). So similarity appears to be a powerful force in marriage making, whether selected by families or by the individuals themselves. If two different selection methods lead to relatively similar pairing outcomes, on average, then why should arranged or love marriages have different outcomes? The assumption of the importance of personal choice in determining happiness has frequently led researchers to question whether partners in arranged marriages will be as happy as those in love marriages.