VII.

The night before I left Shibata for Nagoya once again, my father—who had been quietly trying to comfort me all summer with things like a trip

[18] The teacher had been appointed as a hanninkan —a lower civil-service rank than that of the commissioned officers at the school. I have not been able to reconstruct the meaning of a censored passage: "Sensei wa so shita XXXX shisaya."

to Sado Island—spent the whole evening remonstrating with me for the first time at length about my future. By his side sat my mother, without saying anything, tears filling her large eyes. With that, I pulled myself more or less together and quitted Shibata.

In Tokyo I made a point of picking up bulletins from three middle schools that taught French: the Seijo School, the Gakushuin,^[19] and the Gyosei Middle School. In addition I bought a book called A Students' Guide to Tokyo .

At that time I had not yet actually made up my mind to leave military school. My longing for freedom or whatever was not yet that clearly defined. I was simply so overcome by depression that I could do nothing about it. When I would absentmindedly pick up one of these books, reading it gave me a feeling of soft dreamy contentment.

My depression continued for some time after returning to school. Often I would go into the front yard alone at night to sit on a bench in the botanical garden, crying. Next I would suddenly find myself overcome by spells of vicious feelings. At first I would walk about with an object such as a whip in my hand, bullying second-year classmen and the new admissions. I even became insubordinate to the noncommissioned officers. Then I even failed to salute the officers. Eventually I cut classes and just wandered around school the whole day.

The medical officer diagnosed my case as nervous prostration. I was therefore given a two-week leave of absence. As I passed through the school gates, I resumed my former self. I had a slightly more pensive air about me, yet I was a cheerful youth again. Thus I set off for Osaka.

My uncle was serving as a brigade commander in Osaka. Each day I would take a lunch and a map and roam about Settsu, Kawachi, and Izumi with no particular destination. When I couldn't decide which way to go, I would take out my knife, stand the blade on the road, and go in whatever direction it fell. I returned to school in a fine frame of mind.

Upon my return I immediately fell ill again. I was sick with vicious feelings. It was a madness.

[19] In chapter 5 part 1 Osugi again refers to this school as the Gakushuin (Peers school). It is distinct from Tokyo Gakuin in chapter 5 part 2.

During that period a disturbance over some matter broke out between the Aichi men and the Ishikawa men. The Ishikawa men sought help from the power-holders among the students from Tokyo and other prefectures. I had always carried a large knife with me everywhere. Once I even threatened a sergeant who had got too close to me. Everyone knew about it and four or five enemies began to sharpen their own knives. I conferred with four or five allies; then toward evening in front of the fencing hall I challenged one of our opponents—the most powerful of those Tokyo students who had allied against us. As he came toward me, he pulled a knife. The four or five on my side began to back off. I reached in my pocket to draw my knife but changed my mind and instead walked toward him empty-handed. I thought that if I drew the knife that I kept so sharp, I would end by killing him for certain.

As he came on, I seized him by the arm that was brandishing the knife and pulled down and forward. As he went down underneath me, he stabbed wildly and hit me. A sudden chill went through my body. Unable to move my left hand, I stopped grappling with him and got to my feet. He got up too and stood staring at me with a shocked look. Eight or nine students, both friend and foe, gathered around us, all staring at me with shocked faces. As I stood there, blood was turning my body completely red.

"Let's get to the infirmary," I said and headed off. One old orderly was on duty in the infirmary. I stripped in front of everyone and he inspected my wounds. There was one in my neck, another in the left shoulder, and one in the left arm—three altogether. All of them were deep. I asked the orderly, "How about it? Can't you just treat them and keep it among us?"

"Not a chance. These are serious wounds!" The orderly looked at me as if I had said something crazy.

"All right, if there's no other way. Please call the medical officer," I said as I lay down. Then I called the other fellow's name. "We don't have any choice. Let's take the blame, just the two of us."

I saw him nod as I lost consciousness.

When I could get out of bed two weeks later, Father arrived. He had been told about my recent behavior. He requested an honorable dis-

charge from the school, saying, "We can't keep sending a troublemaker like this to school," and took me home with him. After we had been home a bit we received a telegram: "YOUR REQUEST DENIED. ORDERED EXPELLED ." The other student was also expelled.

It was the end of November and snow had already begun to fall in Shibata.