Getting Beyond Stigma

Stigma is part of culture. All over the world—in many different cultures—people experience stigma in response to some cultural expectation—some way in which they feel they don't measure up. Infertility is universally stigmatized, so there are people who feel as you do in every society about their inability to carry out their part in perpetuating the species. If you feel this way, it may help to know you are not alone.

But stigma is more than a fact of life. It is a virus that pervades culture. It's unhealthy, but it's hard for people who have some negative characteristic assigned to them to avoid. Stigma promotes bad feelings about the self. It feeds inertia, it fuels anger and resentment. It has the potential to poison our belief in ourselves.

In order to move on with your life, you need to disown the stigma you may feel. This is a necessary part of the process of integrating the new self with the old. As the new self—the changed you—emerges from its chrysalis, it is essential to leave behind those aspects of the former self that endanger the healthy self being reborn. Feeling stigmatized is one of the main things you must try to leave behind.

A sense of stigma necessitates redefining what is normal. In order to get beyond stigma—to free yourself from its constraining yoke—you must take yourself through a process of "destigmatization." Essentially, this involves separating the stigma of infertility from you, the individual. How can you do this?

You can start by revoking certain cultural attitudes, such as the belief that people who don't have children are "not as good as" those who do. Beliefs are not truths. Cultural beliefs are sometimes neither healthy nor accurate. They do represent the norm—those things that characterize the majority of people's experience. Being outside this norm is what makes people feel different from others. It's what makes them ask, "Am I normal?" If you have felt the burden of being outside this norm, it's time to start looking at yourself and the situation differently. Remember, being outside the norm and being "normal"—whatever that is—are not the same thing.

A Step-Wise Approach to Overcoming Stigma

First, examine your own values. Maybe they need to be retuned, as I suggested in Chapter 6, to fit the reality of your life better. Maybe you have been buying into societal values too much in an effort to conform, and not allowing yourself to develop a more individualistic set of values. There is variation in cultural values. Not everyone is stamped from the same mold to share identical values. It would be very boring if we were. Ask yourself what you think, what you value, as a result of this experience.

As our identity changes, so do our values. This process is somewhat like the adjustments we make to the camera lens when we take a picture. This is part of our adaptive capacity as humans, to alter our behavior and our ideas to fit our changed life circumstances.

Once you have begun the process of realignment of your values, you will feel greater self-acceptance. You can then proceed to handle other people more effectively.

Second, it's up to you to make the rules. There are no rules for etiquette about infertility. Create your own.

If you are miserable because of what others are saying or what you think they are thinking, remember that they act out of ignorance. Don't become a martyr. You have a choice: You can educate them, or you can ignore what they say in the knowledge that you know best. In other words, you can discount the importance of their attitudes, as you may have felt discounted by them. Don't be a slave to cultural attitudes.

As I said at the outset of this book, culture is a strong force in our lives. It shapes our lives. But every individual must work out for her-or himself a path that balances cultural expectations with self-acceptance. To do so restores our faith in ourselves, our sense of who we are. It reaffirms our identity.

Third, remember that you are not alone. Millions of people in the United States are in your shoes. People who face the same problems and have the same sorts of experiences as you do with fertility issues.

As hard as infertility may be for you to talk about, talking to others who share your experience is crucial. It helps to talk with others about something we have in common, especially something that troubles us. When we face stigma in our lives, it is critical to connect with others who share our experience. Talking with others defuses the stigma. We find out we are not alone. We begin to see ourselves differently, no longer as lesser than others. For most people, this is the beginning of letting go of stigma.

Get involved with a self-help organization, such as Resolve. It may help you begin to see the whole problem of infertility differently. If this option is not available to you, or if the idea of joining a group of people is difficult to consider, start by seeking out another person you know or suspect may share your problem. Or you can call a Resolve hot line—for people in crisis—and talk with someone anonymously. Or ask the professionals you know working in the field of infertility for other suggestions and resources.

If there is no one you feel you can talk to—if you feel truly alone—seek the help of a counselor or therapist. Remember,

privacy and secrecy are two different things. Infertility is too big a burden to carry alone.

It may not be possible, or even desirable, to put the experience of stigma behind you completely. Once we have experienced stigma, it becomes an indelible part of our identity. But you can incorporate it into your identity so that it becomes a positive force—a sort of repository of knowledge—in which you store the idea of what it is like to feel different. This is knowledge you can put to use throughout your life—without having it poison your ability to be effective. In time, you may come to see your experience of stigma as a strength that helps you to face other life experiences.